So this is being in love? It's not great. It's more of a pain in the ass, obligating oneself to her unremittingly. For once, You're not allowed to be selfish. You have to think beyond yourself -its like having a conscience that consumes your every action and thought. What would she like to eat? Where would she like to go? Is she happy? Would this upset her? It engulfs you. Whatever hell she goes through, you'll have to take her hand and walk through it even when you don't know the destination. Doubt follows you, creepily. But you pretend to be stronger than you really are, and somehow you come out better, somehow. And I wonder, does anyone else my age feel what I feel? 

I make it sound worse than it really is. I'm a drama queen, what can I say? O.K., whatever I mentioned earlier, it's all true. Loving another person brings the best and worst out of you. It's not always hell. Nothing else can bring any more meaning to your life than another person reciprocating devotion, trust, and time of an unimaginable degree.

There are more ugly days that pretty ones. 3 AM, I'm drinking coffee with her at Denny's while the sky unrelentingly pours tinted orange droplets. On the way home, We look tiredly at each other, smiling. She looks like a raccoon. The door's locked, so I have to go through the back door. Chili pounces on me because he wants to play fetch while I carry her through the swampy mud. I remember my butt was covered with mudded dog paws. That afternoon, we slept soundly. Thank god it was a Friday. 

There's nothing like being in love. It's an adventure. When you're going through it, its hell. When you look back, you only see pretty days.

I think the scariest part of becoming an adult is to take on independence, and I mean complete independence! I don't think I am ready to call myself an adult for many years to come for numerous of reasons. I can't pay my own bills, wash my own clothes, and I don't know much about taxes. I have much to learn. Heck, I don't even have any job experiences except the occasional tutoring. So say I ignore the looming eighteen, I still don't want to wait until after college to be independent. I guess admitting I don't know much will get me to learn more. 

I think the best epiphany I had this year is that I still have many things to learn. 

For starters....

I want to learn how to pay taxes

 A lot has changed in a seemingly short amount of time, so it won't surprise me to look back in a few years, and go "oh ho ho, what the hell was I thinking?

It's pretty funny rereading my profile. A lot of things no longer describe who I am. What can I say -just another victim of the tumultuous prepubescent years.

Upon Midnight's eerie howling, sentiments of loneliness heighten. On such a night, the trees sway gently within the calming rhythm, and the breeze, ever so soothing in its lavish gushing . At this hour, irony accompanies the calm with its painful truth. I ponder the great divide between selfishness and selflessness. Loving a given heart aches in bitterness and pain, yet such pain vanishes at the mere sight of one's beloved, and the desire to be selfless becomes second priority. I don't know much about love, or have I accumulated enough knowledge of love to impart a definition of my own... But I do know that love is selfless and brave, and so I confess, I have been neither. I clutched too closely, and I burn now for love has anchored itself deeply within. The most difficult, hurting aspect of loving someone is acknowledging her given heart -that he can provide her so much more than you can. And on such a night, epiphanies upon epiphanies, I resolute to say goodbye, for I love you, and must be selfless and brave because you are loved and in love. Goodnight, the words no longer gush outwards, and you are safely in bed,where I can happily know you're safe...